ADD Coaches Blog

Mother-to-be My Way

In a recent post I ranted a bit about the black-and-white thinking I was hearing about the practicalities of working at home with a new baby. I wanted to go back to that to talk a little bit about my own view of how it should be done.

Ok, maybe you know me better than that: I don't think it should be done any given way.

I recently read a lovely book called Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent by Meredith Small, and I do highly recommend it. This book describes itself as being about "ethnopediatrics;" I tend to think about it as a sort of anthropology of infant care. While this book seems to conclude a few things about how we were built, it does reinforce a central tenet: there is no right way of caring for an infant. There are many culturally-based and biologically-based aspects to how we parent.

Here are some things that the book seems to conclude:

• We evolved to be carried around. All those millennia of having neither strollers nor the safety of modern buildings meant we carried our infants while hunting, gathering, farming, etc. Babies tend towards wanting contact and movement.
• We evolved without infant "scheduling." Different cultures deal differently with nursing and infant feeding; depending on the necessities and customs of a given culture. Infants may either feed at will, or may have to wait a while for mama/caregiver to be able to get around to it. In more contemporary societies, we may think it's more healthful to only feed baby on a set schedule, but this is culturally-based.

Where does that leave me, as a mother-to-be? It leaves me knowing that there are options, and that baby will do fine however I feed him or otherwise care for him. There is no need to decide on principle that there is a "best" way. Taking care of myself and my business (which means taking care of my clients) can form a structure to build around. At the same time, as a coach, I can model choices that suit me and my child and family, carving out the right path for me and for us, rather than taking on the assumptions of our society of how things should be done best.

Some coaches have told me about their different ways of combining coaching with infant care; in other words, the divergent strategies that worked for them. Here are a few examples:

• Hiring a babysitter to be at the house for a block of time during which to schedule coaching calls.
• Occasionally nursing while coaching, with the knowledge and agreement of the client.
• Bringing baby to daycare.
• Scheduling a longer block with a client, with the agreement that coach will call client after she's done nursing.
• In general, being aware that baby's rhythms will change every couple of months.

It seems to me that it's going to be a fascinating and compelling exercise in flexibility and ingenuity. It also seems like there are so many people telling each other which way of operating and parenting is correct, and so much bias against e.g. nursing in public, that it becomes very important and impactful to make personal choices and to demonstrate them!

Happy Friday to you all,

Becca

www.coachbecca.com

beccacolao.typepad.com

Meditation

People talk a lot about meditation is useful for ADD, and when a group of colleagues recently had an online discussion about it, I thought it was time to say something about it.

There are studies on how useful meditation is for management of ADHD symptoms and improvement of focus/attention. There is a widespread view that it's a good idea, as well. This can lead to some difficulty in the "should" department: it is something I hear clients say they should do because it'd be good for them.

The trick with studies and widespread views is that they don't apply to you as an individual; they hold true for a generalized group. The trouble with "should" is that it doesn't really say anything about whether something is good for you personally, either. It's a way of taking on pressure, without making a decision to actually do something.

Now that we have that out of the way I want to recommend a book called Moon Over Water: Meditation Made Clear  With Techniques for Beginners and Initiates. This book is very practical and outlines a variety of meditation techniques from different philosophies and strategies-- without carrying the weight of a lot of ideology. It's a book that helps people understand their options for making meditation work for them.

I know meditation doesn't work for everyone, and not all strategies work for everyone, and I know it first-hand. Before my ADD diagnosis, I tried meditation and relaxation techniques. In the middle of deep-breathing exercises, I'd get anxious or even panicky. When I tried Zen meditation, it made me anxious and hurt my head. Why? Because I was trying to quiet or even silence my mind, which basically made the mental chatter more oppressive, but not quieter. Some might tell me that with the right training and discipline, blah blah blah, I could do it. But the fact is, it wasn't working for me at all. 

I could understand what was happening after being diagnosed with ADHD- predominantly inattentive type. I was a hyperactive thinker, and willing my mind to be quiet was no different than willing the hyperactive body to be less fidgety.  The book let me understand better how I could work with my runaway  brain  while  meditating or relaxing; it is a matter of fit.

I also came to understand that sometimes it wasn't the obvious things that were relaxing or "quieting" to me. More physical activity might be more mentally quieting than sitting still. TV might be more zen-like than meditation techniques. I realized I did basically meditate in certain circumstances, like when trying to  sleep,  or oddly enough, while in the middle of a migraine and trying to deal with the pain. But I could also stop pressuring myself to do this thing that is supposedly good for me- and look instead and what works for me.

So this weekend, take the pressure off- find something that really helps you chill out. Let me know what it is for you!

Happy Friday,

Becca Colao

www.coachbecca.com
blog: beccacolao.typepad.com